So I have been neglecting my blog, for this I am sincerely apologetic. I have failed to write anything not because I've been outstandingly driven in a project or swamped in school work but because, in a way, I am unenlightened.
I will begin by telling you about the beginning of this winter quarter. For one, my English professor had me at the edge of my seat from start to end. From James Joyce to Hemingway, Fitzgerald to Poe; all these depressing, dark and romantic pieces and yet it took me to a happy place. You see, these pieces moved me, I relate to it because I no longer see things in a poetic light. The sunrise is just that and nothing more. Romance is just some man-made invention to entrap those that feel the need to depend on someone else for happiness. Or maybe I am just being bitter about my own romantic life, who knows.
 Ethics class had me livid at the close-mindedness of some of my peers. This quarter my brain was active, creative juices were on a constant flow and I was totally ecstatic at it all. I have made it a known fact that I am madly, head over heels for literature. The way each and every individual interprets a book keeps me in awe. I have not taken any courses outside of whats obligated and yet every ounce of me wants to peruse and master the art of writing...

Cold

This is something I wrote back in Feb. 10, 2010


All I see is darkness all around me as I sit here wallowing in my pain
No where to turn, no where to go
Stuck to listen to my thoughts as silence grabs hold of my inner playful tune
Solely I feel it
Everything hits me at once
These emotions
This pain
It captures my heart, sternly holding on
Squeezing everything good I have left
I scream at the top of my lungs, while never ending tears stream down my face
Trying to get a grasp of my surrounding, I look but cannot see.
These tears make it impossible to see the light, the rays of sun dancing on the surface of this lake named sorrow.
I feel so close to insanity, as despair continues to drag me under
And no matter how deep I feel I fall, there is something inside me that tells me to hold on.
And as quickly as my hope starts to rejuvenate, it is just as quick as this darkness grabs hold again.
This ounce of hope I thought I had left still isn't enough, this pain is so unbearable; Seems as if despair is gaining the upper hand.
My body frail, my soul mourns and my mind can not endure this much longer
I used to believe that having a big heart made me invincible
On the contrary, after all the gashes, this one stab finally went through
Now here I sit damaged, broken...
Cold

Yearning for Sun Rays

I just want the warm breeze to come back, the birds to sing while the sun is coming up, I want to see all the leaves begining to come out from their winter sleep. I want to start off my morning by opening the window and airing out my room. Can you imagine it? Can't you see yourself, cracking your eyelids open and feeling the warmth of the sun on your face, as if giving you a morning kiss to start your day great. I want sunlight pouring in my room instead of waking up in darkness. The time period where being sappy is in, every known creature is in love or almost there. 
I am so tired of the slush and dirty snow that looks like you could catch an infection when you just glance at it. Sick of slipping and sliding on ice while strangers having a need to give me weird glances because of it. The need to wear loads of clothing to stay warm whether I'm out or indoors. I am so over being sick every time I turn around, catching colds or flus. Winter is just starting to be horrific, no longer a time to have a cuddling partner or listening to Dean Martin's sweet voice. Even hot chocolate is no longer a treat, I want some slushies and to eat out doors. I want to wiggle my freshly pedicured toes in the sand or freshly cut grass.
Spring I am anticipating your coming.

I know theres something out there for me

I began my morning like always, cracking my eyes open to see if I still have time to sleep a little while longer. If I don't, then I slowly get to my feet and freshen up. The day after christmas, and I awake in a not so good mood. I surrounded myself around family the previous two days, I've made jokes, smiled when I had to, spoke when asked a question, and when the food was ready I stuffed my face but still something was not right. Something in me was blocking all the happiness that I've been feeling for a while now.

Starring blankly at the snow falling magically to the ground, I could not help but yearn for my body to be some where else. Somewhere I have never been, where I had to use other forms of communication to get what I wanted and where the strangers looked so familiar. I want to indulge in other cultures, soak myself in human history, pick up great habits from women in different countries and find undiscovered music. From my earliest memories, I would get lost looking out the window, wanting and hoping for some distant relative to come and take me with them. He or she would introduce me to a whole new way of living. We would sail the unforgiving seas, fly the spacious skies, trail the dangerous forests and search hidden caves. I would drink water from streams, runaway from wild animals and after all my crazy adventures, meeting new people, and gaining some insight on life; I would head back home and apply everything that I've learned to my life.

Women

Ever since I could remember, there has always been some sort of discrimination taught in our classrooms. Starting from races, to sex origin, sexuality, and anything else humans would use against each other to have some sort of power over everyone else that were not deemed worthy. Since the beginning of time, the need to be a higher being, a sovereign, to dominate over the rest has been a selfish flaw that has been imprinted in the majority of the human race. With the help of religions, society and man-made laws certain individuals gained the right to put discrimination into practice. One of the most well thought out, researched and fought over topic of discrimination has to deal with women.  The lack of rights the female species have, the way men revoked and tried to cripple any thought or ideas of being someone in a high position. This is to show that all women from every race, from the beginning to modern civilization, have experienced all kinds of discrimination. For even the way religion views the female sex, has some sort of influence on society and its followers.

             “…But the women, the little ones, the livestock, and all that is in the city, all the spoil, you shall plunder for yourself; and you shall eat the enemies plunder which the Lord your God gives you.” (Deut. 20:14) In biblical times women were merely considered properties, in this case, booty when the war was won. A female was for the male to push and pull whichever way they needed or wanted. Even though, in the bible, the woman were made out to be a weak being, the holy book also made an image of her being a canning and secretive creature, which had its strength; full of evil desires with the goal of having the male fall and do her bidding, if he were not careful. “… And there a woman met him, with the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart. She was loud and rebellious, her feet would not stay at home.” (Proverbs 7:10-11) She, and still is considered at times a sly, seductive creature always lurking to tempt the weak, the easily fallen. In the book of Genesis, for instance, Eve deceived Adam and had them both cast away from the Garden of Eden, paradise, just because she gave him the forbidden fruit to eat. “And I find more bitter than death the woman whose heart is snares and nets, whose hands are fetters. He who pleases God shall escape her, but the sinner shall be trapped by her.” (Eccl. 7:26) All through out the ages, who ever followed and were true believers of Christ, had or have an image that women are supposed to be submissive to the man, here in 1 Corinthians 11:3 said, “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man…” if we go on further to verse seven through nine reads, “… But woman is the glory of man. For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man.” As you can see in the biblical times, and of course, the followers of the bible, believe that their means to existence are to solely be a companion and be of service to men. That the nature of woman is evil because we are temptresses leading men astray from whatever righteous path they are on.  The female species are merely a distraction; she is the neck to the head, the head being man. Just think about it, The head gives signal to the nerve to give movement, that it may look around, but if the neck is paralyzed the head would just sit there, and the neck is what allows the head to have movement. With this mentality, it’s no wonder that women were prevented from being all that they could be. I believe that the Christian nations, not all but by those that were corrupt, manipulated or used these and other verses to prevent woman to grow as an individual to make an impact and have a voice in society.

            Take Western Europe for example, a nation made to be devout followers of the Christian faith. Women throughout Europe had little to no rights at all. “A few woman in the French Revolution tentatively raised some of women’s grievances, including their desire for equal education for young woman, civil rather than religious marriages, and the right of divorce,” “…Modest proposal’s were repudiated in Napoleon’s codification of French Law, in which woman were defined as non-citizens, without control of their property and… were not allowed to testify as witnesses in court.” (The Women in World History p.140) Through out the nineteenth century women began to take up the workforce, being allowed to work but only given low wages. Eventually as time went on, women were given new job opportunities in retail or office work in the twentieth century. Even though women were not given the right to vote or have any part in politics, it did not hinder them from having any influence on their men.  Through their influence and their constant knowledge of politics, women eventually got together and fought for their right to have their own voice. “By the 1890s the rising clamor of women’s public demands for reform of law, education, the family, and the franchise to public consciousness… Norwegian women were the first Europeans to win the unrestricted right to vote in national elections, in 1913; Swiss women were the last, in 1971.” (The Women in World History p.141) Almost four decades ago Swiss women received the right to have a say in government agendas, to decide who they feel fits their needs best.

 Let’s take a trip to ancient Greece, Two famous cities, Athens and Sparta, and two different views on the female species. Athens, famous for the intellectual scholars, philosophy, sciences, politics and their beautiful art, yet with all their talents and great minds, their was a dark side. We have to understand that Athens highly believed in the dominance of men with women. Even though that was their belief, Athenians worshiped the male species and had giant monuments to display their love for men. “… A society that dominated by men who sequester their wives and daughters, denigrate the female role in reproduction, erect monuments to the male genitalia, have sex with the sons of their peers, sponsor public whorehouses, create a mythology of rape, and engage in rampant saber-rattling.”(Women in World History p. 81) Women were viewed as simply a means of reproduction and, depending on where they were in the social ladder, were not allowed to leave the quarters. Women that came from a wealthy family were treated as if they were a child, they had little freedom and were watched over at all times. “Spartan women enjoyed considerably more freedom than other ancient Greek women. Spartan men spent little time at home, so wives and daughters did not have to attend to their needs.” (Everyday Life in Ancient Greece) Spartan women were allowed to own property and had a voice all their own. “Spartan women freely exercised outdoors-without clothes, …and a reputation for talking back to their husbands and male relatives… The idea was to raise a strong young women who could bear healthy sons.” (Everyday Life in Ancient Greece) Whether being a woman in Sparta or Athens, there is always a pro and con living in either one of the cities. Spartan women were strong and were left to do mostly everything on their own, while Athenian women were maintained, yet, not given any type of “breathing room”.

          Christianity, Western Europe and Ancient Greece, have all had similar views on woman; which is women are a weaker, lower being and in some instances, not worthy of a say in the way things ran or giving them what their job labor was worth and so on. Now lets take a look at the way Hinduism and Buddhism view their women, and what rights they were given.  Between 200 and 400 C.E. the Manu laws were brought together from the ways of Hinduism. “In childhood a female must be subject to her father, in youth to her husband, when her lord is dead, to her sons; a woman must never be independent.” (Laws of Manu, bk. 5, Law 148) Once again, a woman is not allowed to own property or any goods, under the Hindu belief.  Even though Indian woman are considered reliant to the man and has to be submissive to him and has no right, the man, her husband, has to treat her respectfully. “If she had an abusive husband or was treated inappropriately, she might appeal to her father and brothers for help.” (Women in World History p. 56) “During a family crisis, a husband could ask for some of her jewelry for sale or pawn. If she gave him any, he was obligated to replace or return it when normality returned. In a divorce, the contents of the box were hers and went with her.” (Women in World History p. 56) In the last quote, you can see that even though a woman is seen as an inferior creature, she is still treated with respect and still taken care of as a precious gift. Although Hinduism offered a decent amount of respect for women, there were a serious amount of discrimination and it was intensifying each year that passed. With the discrimination and other situations like the power the Brahman priests’ obtained, the effect of a new religion to emerge in 600 B.C.E. “Buddhism… offered women more opportunities than Hinduism, although neither offered equality.” (Women in World History p.56)

            The Islamic Culture is another perfect example of how women are held captive by inequality. “The practice of Purdah, a Persian word meaning ‘curtain’ … Women are separated with their own living space, they are socially segregated from all but their immediate kinship circle, and they must cover their bodies and their faces and whenever they appear in public places.” (Women in the Third World p. 12) Another religion where the women is submissive to the man, yet, in some ways more severe due to the fact that they must not be seen as much as possible. Women are isolated and kept out-of-the-way. Coming to the twentieth century, most Islamic cultures cease to practice Purdah, while the others still do. In the 1980s Legislation was passed “… to punish violence against women [including dowry deaths of brides, infanticide, and rapes of all kinds)… to mandate equal education for women in 1995.” (Women in World History p. 218)

            The land of the free, home of the brave was not always so free and we all know this because not so long ago our not so perfect country became close to, compared to others, ideal. In the 17th century women and men, both, had a great challenge in managing the new world.  Women began to have a lot more freedom then back home in Britain, but the more woman gained the more the men felt threatened. “Female ownership of property proved to be a threat that the legislators were unwilling to tolerate. In 1634 Maryland passed a law requiring women who inherited property to be marry in seven years or lose it.” (Social Issues in American History Series: Women’s Rights p. 10) Years later, about a century or two, the Susan B. Anthony Amendment was passed in 1919 and this allowed women to have voting rights. If we skip ahead to World War I, we see that women were allowed more opportunities then ever before. “Many women went to work for the first time, while others found it easier to advance in the jobs they held. The workforce increased by about 400,000.” (Social Issues in American History Series: Women’s Rights p. 123) Women were starting to take on many professions, teaching, nursing overseas, and assisting with war craft in factories. Like always the need to have power always comes knocking at the door of those who have the need to feel superior. Women were indeed needed during the war, and yet they were paid low wages. Thus causing the women, and who ever else who were willing to help, to fight for minimum wage. “Between 1912 and 1919, 14 states… passed the minimum wage laws for women.” (Social Issues in American History Series: Women’s Rights p.125) By the 1930s the fought for notion for minimum wage were overturned due to the case of Adkins v. Children’s Hospital. Throughout our American history, women have fought for the right for birth control, to vote, to work, to be free of old behavior codes and so on. Little by little we have successfully achieved everything we have fought for. Our ancestor’s sweat, tears and blood built this nation, we continue to add to their legacy in so many ways.

            A great example of how, to this day, women are still victims to discrimination are by simply looking around your surroundings. If we were to take a trip to any corporate office, what would we see? Would we see mostly males in high-end offices? Or would we see that the president of the company is a female? I was reading this article called “Glass Ceiling” and in it, describes its easier for a male to climb the corporate ladder versus a woman.  “According to a 1989 survey of Fortune 500 companies, women comprised only 12.7 percent of the membership of corporate boards of directors.” (Glass Ceiling) Added to those statistics, this article shows “In 2006, only ten women were CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, and only 15.6 percent of the corporate positions in those companies were held by women.” (Glass Ceiling)

Whether it’s the right to vote, the right to be free from ourselves or freedom from the power of men, women are in a constant battle it seems. Now if we, women, did not see the strength that we possess, we would've never had most of the freedom that we have today. From the beginning of time until today, there is a given impression that there is a constant struggle in our society. As the years past us by, we have taken some major leaps, but when will we fully have equality and is there such a thing? When does culture and human rights cross the line? One thing I do know is that we, human beings, have made so much progress through out the years. Maybe that battle for freedom, equality and for everything good might be over soon enough. I was never the one to be considered a feminist for we, women, have come a long way and all that is behind us. Why should we dwell on the things that are settled? We should not move back but forward, and we should educate ourselves of our history, so that we could possibly prevent the past from repeating itself.

Daddy's Little Devils: Reverie

I awoke with a bad dream. The same dream I've been having for weeks. I'm hyperventilating, sweat dripping from my face all the way down my back, my hair plastered to my hot cheeks. I am more afraid to look at my image, scared to see the fear in my eyes then what ever it is thats haunting me. Afraid that if I keep thinking about this horrific nightmare I might end up imprinting it into my memory and it might never be forgotten.
All of a sudden, just as fast as one blinks, cold chills creeped throughout my body. It was intense, it was as if I could see the goosebumps through my long-sleeve shirt. For some reason my warm room was an icebox and I could see my breath as I exhaled. "My gut feeling already told me something was wrong, but now this is too much", I thought to myself . If I didn't believe in God before, I definitely do now. This is a sign that something more is here and I need to remove it, at what ever cost. I finally built up the strength to get up and walk to my vanity mirror. I saw a light in my eye, a flicker of all that is right. In a tone so forceful and strong, yet as low enough that no one could here, I silently whispered,"He has got to go".


The next morning, My father was rushing my mother because he was running late for work. I heard little footsteps running up and down the steps, my baby sisters gathering their belongings.  I could hear the blowdryer from Alluring's room. I put the pillow over my head to block out all the noise but did not even get them muffled out, and so, starting my morning. Dragging myself out of bed, I walked to the bathroom for the usual morning routine. The soon as I was done and back to my usual giddy self, I ran down the stairs to fill my empty tummy.
Like normal the house is quiet when everyones gone. At peace, I started to look through the cabinets and fridge to see what satisfying breakfast I could make myself. I decided to make my favorite, French toast, fruit salad and scrambled eggs. As I started to finish up my plate, the nightmare found its way back into my thoughts.

I am sitting in a chair in the middle of the room. I am wearing a uniform, the kind that patients to a psychiatric ward wears. All the walls around me are a dark gray color. There's no exit so I don't know how I got here. The room starts to get foggy and when it finally gets so thick, I find my voice and start to scream. Squeezing my eyes shut and putting my hands to my face I yell at the top of my lungs.
The moment I feel like I can't scream any longer I feel a hand grab me and yank me out of the darkness that I was in. When I look around I see a girl in a half destroyed wedding dress, crying, alone in a beautiful garden. I am amazed by how beautiful the landscape is and concerned for this image of me, that lays before my eyes. "Why do you cry?", I ask myself. I reach my hand to grab this girl's, that looks just like me, shoulder and when I look up my face is no longer mine but Pretentious. She screams "Dear sister, HELP ME!". Out from the shadow comes this ugly creature, thorns throughout his face. His eyes a deep firey red, his skin the pigment of death. His hair is so black and thin. When he spoke, the ground trembled, the petals from flowers and leaves from the nearby trees fell. He turned to my sister and then back to me, "careful" he said to me, "I have nothing to hide". With the last statement he gave the most synical smirk I have ever seen. This no-named creature grabbed hold of my sister, his long strong fingers wrapped around her neck. Pretentious eyes was lost with despair as he pulled her closer to him.

Daddy's Little Devils: Pretentious' Boyfriend Chapter 1, Part:1

This story is based on actual events, with a bit of fiction.




So my mother recently moved into a new house and the one thing that she wanted was my sisters and I, the ones that moved out, come back and join her. I am not going to lie I dreaded the idea everyday before moving back in, slowly but surely I tried to persuade myself to go, to leave my own space and freedom behind. My eight younger sisters were beyond ecstatic and everyday they told me how great the new house was and all their plans on making what ever space designated to them, their own. The excitement everyone shared soon started to rub off on me and my mother's wish for all her daughter's to join her in the new home, became a reality.
A week before the moving day my sister, Pretentious and her evil partner came. Out of all my sisters, Pretentious is the only one that walks around so snooty. Honestly I wish I was just saying this, but due to the circumstances, it's not just a statement. It was just like my little sister to surprise us, and so when she walked in our lovely home, she wasn't alone. Right behind her was her boy toy,  satan's advocate. Maybe I'm over exaggerating, but the first time that guy walked through the door, I smelled trouble.
He's a smooth talker with a baby face. His eyes so cold and dark, all I could see is all the lies he's ever told and the gateway to his dark unforgiving soul.
One fall morning I awoke and sat on my balcony. My balcony has a view of a beautiful lake and around the lake are nice size manors with their occasional boats tied to their dock. The nice cool crisp air made me smile while the sun, peaking behind the almost leafless trees, began to warm my almost frozen nose. As I was looking at these two swans swimming side by side, I felt something creep behind. I turned quickly to see her boyfriend looking at the direction I was. "This guy, ha, who does he think he is sneaking up on me like that?" I thought to myself. I've been noticing how he admired my parent's beautiful home. I have also noticed how he constantly tried to take over the kitchen whenever my sisters and I gathered to make our baked goods or dinner for each other. My father who is so anti-social, warmed up to him, they were like best bros, going everywhere together and having long "profound" conversations. My daddy doesn't even talk to his daughters unless he has to! Us, his pride and joy, his little monsters, he rarely has heart-to-hearts with. Then along comes this stranger and all of a sudden daddy is no longer the quiet intellectual, but a talkative comedian! Nevertheless, all daddy's jokes were, what we young one's would call stale, but here this guy comes and laughs at all of daddy's jokes like a girl would to a guy on their first few dates. This guy, who I would like to call Lucifer, was going beyond the usual comfort zone. From my perspective, he is up to something and I am going to find out what it is or what is it that he wants.


To be continued....…